Re-Awaken: Victoria

As I meditate on this word...
re-awaken...
it is overwhelmingly evident that it
is taking place in every area of my life continually.
Shifts that seemed would take me over the edge
have become merely "bumps in the night", awakening
my soul to the deeper mystery of life and my heart.

Desires of my heart speak through this awakening...
Desires from early on to live a creative life,
to be accepted, to be known, to love and be loved.

Over time unacknowledged and inconvenient desires
that don't fit int to the world around us have their own
way of dealing with themselves.  My desires chose to
go to sleep.  A full blown creativity coma would have
been much less painful...a blissful, state of unconscious,
oblivious to the stirrings in my should...but no...no...the
desires of my heart were always near.  Near enough for me
to be aware of and torture myself with excuses and blame
as to why _____ could never work, or it was a stupid idea,
not enough money, blah, blah, blah.  And distant enough
to go on ignoring the calls.

Then a shift.  Shifts feel more like dung at first.
One big shift came to me when my closest friend,
bored of hearing me complain, "if I could just",
and "what if I"...called me on my dung! "Ya know...
you keep blaming these desires for your problems -
like if you didn't want _____, you wouldn't feel bad.
Desire is not your enemy you are your enemy! And
your fears are your ammunition!"

Whoa!  WAKE UP!!!!  Her words shot through
me like ammonia smelling salts...I got it.  I got it
that I was in charge of the anesthesia drip, attempting
to put to sleep my desires.  I got that I was the one
shutting down my heart -  not my circumstances.

I awakened to the fact that God put those desires in
my heart - not me! It has been His plan from my life
to have faith in those desires, enjoy them and act
upon them....with His help and guidance or course.

So for me, when I choose to have faith in my hearts
desires instead of my fears, I re-awaken over and over...